After loss: a miracle

After trying for over a year, my husband and I decided we would take a break, there was a lot going on in our family and it felt like too much.
September 24 and 26, 2021 my sister-in-law and mom passed away from Covid. It was an especially hard time as I found out I was pregnant two weeks later; due late June, 2022.

April 14, 2022 I started experiencing quite a bit of pain that I attributed to Braxton Hicks, but ultimately I decided I should go to the hospital at 3am April 15 when I could no longer breathe through the pain.

8 hours, terrible back labor, and 4 minutes of pushing later, my son was born. 10 1/2 weeks early, 29 weeks and 4 days; weighing 2lbs 12oz and smaller than my forearm. He was immediately taken to the NICU with my husband following close behind.
I didn’t cry until 6:00pm. My husband had left to get me a change of clothes and I was literally alone, feeling the weight of wanting my mom and missing the weight of my son in my arms, asleep on my chest - safe; like he was supposed to be.
I finally got to hold my son for the first time later that night, where we were briefed by his first nurse about what our journey would look like and how hard it would be.

Thus began the longest two months of my life.

Killian started off in the level 3 NICU, not because he was super sick, but because he was so, so tiny. With every step forward in his healing, he took two steps back. Always struggling to breathe, turning gray, and having lots of mild events that would age me years and weigh on my heart heavily.

He had all the breathing apparatuses, C-PAP, biphasic, high-flow, 2 failed room air attempts, until finally experiencing a successful transition from high flow to room air on May 20th.
In that first month we had to endure blood gas tests, two rounds of phototherapy, mild and spontaneous events, echos, going home every night without our baby and a million tiny disappointments everyday.

Killian was doing very well, beginning to nurse a bit, but needed to grow so we were transferred to another hospital's level 2 NICU. I was able to stay with him overnight at this hospital and we spent another hard month there. But, at the very least, I did not have to leave my baby at night.
The second month, I struggled with all his setbacks and “home” dates that kept passing by. I struggled with maintaining my supply for him, and then the opposite problem of intense oversupply for a baby that could barely nurse and was still learning. It’s hard to say which month was harder or more painful, or which heartbreak was heavier. But we made it through.
I could write so much more about our time in the NICU, the time that will forever change me, the haunting sounds and smells I’ll never forget.
I wanted to share my story in celebration of one-year since my son has been home with us. June 16, 2022 our baby boy came home to stay. It wasn’t and hasn’t been perfect, but he truly was and is a miracle. Our little warrior, our Killian.