Bravery in the NICU

“At 32 weeks, and 5 days pregnant I began having what I thought were false contractions. Luckily I had a regular doctor's appointment that morning. When I alerted my doctor of what was going on, I was sent to labor and delivery to be monitored. I was contracting every 5 minutes, and was 3cm dilated. As the day went on my contractions slowed down, but my water broke on its own. Baby was coming, and we were FAR from ready. My pregnancy was very healthy, and there was no indication as to why my son was arriving almost 8 weeks early. My doctor still doesn’t know why my son came so early. She told me sometimes this happens, and it’s a mystery as to why.

As I was sitting in my birthing room the NICU team came to talk to my husband and I about what to expect when our son is born. We were overwhelmed and terrified. I cried during my epidural (not because of the epidural), but from being so overwhelmed that I was about to have a premature baby. There was so much that could go wrong having a baby this early. They prepared us for the worst. My husband and I barely spoke during all of this because we were in such shock and so overwhelmed. About 10 hours after my epidural, I delivered my son in 4 minutes. I was terrified because I was prepared to not see him or hear him cry, but we heard him cry and they put him on my chest for a moment before he was rushed away to the NICU. A couple hours later my husband and I were able to visit our son. It was overwhelming seeing him in the incubator attached to many wires. I was afraid to hold my own baby for days after he was born. Every beep the machines made terrified me because I constantly thought something was wrong. I cried every day walking out of his room, or on my drive home.

Thankfully, he was healthy overall! He did not need assistance breathing which was their biggest concern. He just needed help regulating his body temperature and eating. He spent most of his NICU stay eating by a feeding tube, and quickly learned how to take a bottle. Having to watch your baby eat by a feeding tube multiple times every day was very hard. I originally planned on formula feeding, but decided to exclusively pump since it was literally the only thing I could do at the time to care for my son. I found so much comfort in pumping because it gave me a purpose during his NICU stay. My son spent 3 weeks in the NICU. I felt so alone during this time. My husband had to go back to work, and I had to choose between visiting my baby at the NICU or being home with my 2 year old. I felt like the worst wife, mom, daughter, and friend during this time. Everyone was living their lives as normal, while my world was upside down. Luckily we have an amazing family who helped care for our 2 year old during this time so I could visit the NICU everyday. Commuting to the NICU daily became exhausting and expensive. The NICU my son was at was amazing. The nurses cared for my son, but they also cared for me. They were supportive and taught me so much. I do not have anyone close to me that has had a premature baby that required a NICU stay, so it was difficult to not feel alone. I felt like I did my best to put on a happy face to all our friends and family during that time, because it was a lot easier to do that then let them know how I truly was feeling. I looked for support in groups like Project NICU. Although my son was overall a very healthy preemie, that did not make our NICU journey any easier. There is no way to understand how this feels until you go through it yourself. No parent should have to leave the hospital without their baby. But I am thankful for the technology and those who were there to care for my son when we were not able to.” NICU Mama - Brittany