Everyone Deserves Grace

"I had preeclampsia with my first in October of 2021, and delivered her at 37 weeks. She was as healthy as could be. 3 months later, I found out I was pregnant again. With my first, I wanted the natural delivery. I wanted to wake up at 3am, and tell my husband “my water broke, it’s baby time!” I wanted to have that anxious drive to the hospital filled with excitement. I didn’t get that with my daughter, and I told myself I would have that with this baby. 
My doctor had explained throughout my second pregnancy that I could develop preeclampsia again. I started on medications at 12 weeks to hopefully avoid that, and throughout, everything was great. I never had morning sickness like I did with my daughter, and most of my pregnancy, I barely felt pregnant.

Everything changed at my 29 week appointment. I went in for my routine prenatal, and my blood pressure was in the 140’s. My doctor wanted me to come back that following Monday for another blood pressure check to make sure it was a fluke, and nothing more. She told me if I felt sick over the weekend, to head to labor and delivery. The weekend went fine, and Monday came. They tested my protein in my urine and saw it was very high, along with another high blood pressure reading. At that point, I was to come in twice a week for the rest of my pregnancy, and have weekly labs drawn. The plan was to make it to at least 34 weeks, preferably 37 weeks, but 34 weeks was a safe time to take my son out if needed.

I ended up having severe preeclampsia at 29 weeks, and was admitted to the hospital. The morning of my induction, a group of doctors came in to talk with me. She had explained the risks. They explained all possible outcomes, which scared me even more. I knew whatever happened, we would make it through. I labored for about 20 hours, and delivered him naturally. He came out crying, and I was able to hold him on my chest for about 15 seconds. My husband cut his cord, and he was whisked away. We sat there for over an hour before we were brought back to my room. My husband was able to see my son and take photos of him. The first time I truly met my son was over an iPhone screen, and I still struggle with that.


My son was born at 30 weeks and 3 days. He was in the NICU at the hospital where I delivered, and ended up being transferred 3 days later, to Childrens where he would stay for 60 additional days. My son was born healthy, and had no issues besides his prematurity, and bradycardia events. This was something he would grow out of eventually. My son came home at the end of October.

I continue to grieve over the pregnancy I never fully got to experience. I continue to have mixed emotions when I see pregnancy announcements, maternity photos, birth reveals, and going home photos. I relive the trauma of my birth very often, trying to understand why, and heal from it. In the mist of the chaos, I was okay, I didn’t have time to think, slow down, and truly understand what was happening to me physically, and emotionally. Now that the storm has passed, I’m cleaning up the mess, and reliving everything over again, with a sense of clarity.

Although I am beyond blessed with two beautiful children, I never got to experience a healthy pregnancy.

Sometimes you’ll find me crying while holding my son, thinking back on those evenings in the NICU. I remember when the doctors told me it wasn’t necessary to have my husband bring his car seat to the hospital when he grabbed the rest of my bags. He wouldn’t be going home for a while. I will never forget that day when I was discharged from the hospital, empty.

PTSD from my birth, and NICU experience will probably be something I will continue to struggle with for a long time. I can’t ever predict when it’ll hit me, but when it does, my breath skips.

I am thankful for the tears. I am thankful I am able to grieve, and cry over this experience because it has made me a stronger woman, and momma. I could be grieving an entirely different situation, so I am thankful that this was my outcome, even if it’s not what I had planned.

This journey doesn’t always end when you leave the NICU.

Just remember to give others grace. You never know what they may be going through, even if they seem to have it all together. 🤍"- NICU Mom, Natasha