Going Home is Scary

“People think they know how they'd feel if they were you. They assume they'd feel so excited to finally bring their baby home from the NICU ward. Excited to be back in familiar surroundings with the familiar faces of their family and friends around them instead of hospital staff. It's so easy to think you'd know how you'd feel if you haven't been through it.

In reality, excitement isn't the overarching feeling most parents have when they finally get to leave the NICU ward. It's fear.

“You must be so excited,” people would say to my husband and I. “You can finally bring him home and get that beautiful newborn experience!”

No, we can’t. We've been here so long that he’s not a newborn anymore, and we’ll never get that time back.

“You’ll be able to leave him with his grandparents or a sitter so you can have a proper date night! Won't that be fun?!”

Nope. Most NICU babies come home with ongoing medical needs that their parents still need to attend to. We can't hand our son off for babysitting like a puppy.

“You must be so looking forward to showing him off to everyone - we can't wait to have a cuddle with him!”

Absolutely not. I’ve spent my child’s entire life so far handing him off to other people to hold, there's no way I'm handing him around at a party.

It's easy to assume you'd feel excited to finally return home after being in the NICU ward, for any length of time. But it's scary. The NICU ward becomes a home, too. The nurses and doctors become a family. You adapt to the lights and noises and the smell of disinfectant faster than you can imagine. You come to rely so heavily on the monitors, beeping around the clock, letting you know if your baby is okay.

You don't have to cook if you're exhausted - you can visit the hospital cafe or take out. You don't have to clean - the hospital has janitors for that. You don't have to watch your baby 24/7 to make sure they're still breathing - that's what the nurses are there for.

NICU life is, in itself, scary. But as with many traumatic situations, you bond quickly and come to rely on those around you. Going home means leaving that all behind. And that is scary.

The excitement will come to you in different ways. It may not be when you leave the NICU ward for the first time. It may be when your baby finally gets to have their feeding tube removed. When your baby finally gets their casts off. When your baby finally gets through that last surgery. Maybe it will be when they say their first word after having been told they'd never speak, or when they take their first steps after being told they'd never walk.

There is no right or wrong way to feel when your time in the NICU finally comes to an end. Everything you feel is valid. And your excitement will come in its own way.” NICU mama, Jess