How our NICU journey shaped us

"Looking back at our NICU journey and pregnancy, I have a hard time believing I am the same person. In so many ways, I am not. I am not as anxious as I was when I was put on bed rest at 23 weeks. I am not as panicked as I was when I woke up bleeding and was told I was in preterm labor at 25 weeks. I am not as fearful as I was sitting in a hospital bed with IV’s and wires listening to the NICU staff inform us about the next steps. I am not as thankful as I was when I woke up on week 28 (our goal!) with my sweet baby still growing inside me. I am not as terrified as I was when my water broke at 28 weeks 3 days. I am not as relieved as I was at 8:24 pm when I heard my sweet boy cry after being told we likely wouldn’t experience that. I am not as excited as I was when your dad told me, “It’s a boy! It’s Kellen!” I am not as apprehensive as I was walking down the hallway at 1 in the morning to room 796 not knowing what to expect. I am not as strong as I was staying at your bedside through the bradycardias and apneas you endured almost daily. I am not as honored as I was walking you through the NICU in your cap and gown and walking out the doors of NL-EMMC as a family of three for the first time, 67 days later.

So what am I? Grateful, absolutely. I am grateful for the hospital staff, doctors, nurses, CNAs and janitors who went out of their way to treat me and my family with a kindness and empathy I have never experienced before. I am grateful that these complete strangers could provide me a sense of comfort during the absolute worst period of my life to date. I am grateful that even though I had to ask them permission to touch my baby, soothe my baby, and at times even lift the flap to look at my baby the nurses made sure I still felt like I was Kellen’s mom and I had a say. I am grateful that even though they had to educate us on all outcomes, even the ones we didn’t want to hear, the positivity and hope always spoke louder than the unknown.

Am I humbled? Certainly. The support that Ben and I felt from family and friends was immeasurable. The number of people who reached out to us, prayed for us, donated money or sick days, cooked meals for us, and helped take care of Leo was beyond what we could have ever imagined. We are humbled to be raising our sweet boy in a community that is so eager to help, even when you don’t ask.

Am I proud? More than anything. I am proud of my husband for supporting our family, cooking/cleaning, taking care of our dog, Leo and making sure I never had to lift a finger while I was on bedrest. I am proud of Ben for always being present while at the hospital despite having 1,000 things on his mind. I am proud of the dad Ben is and will continue to be for our little boy. I am proud of that 2 pound 14 ounce little boy who has forever changed our lives for the better. I am proud of how much he has achieved. His determination, stubbornness and toughness are unmatched. I am proud of the loving and safe environment Ben and I have created and maintained in both the hospital and our home. Although this is a journey I never wanted for myself, my husband or my son, I am proud to say it is our story. A journey we never wanted, but a journey we can look back at and truly say it made us exactly who we are today." -NICU Mom, Kelsea